24) Apply for a job: Spring break was going great up until you saw your mom’s friend who asked the ultimate buzz-kill question: “What are you doing after graduation?” With the softest of smiles, you calmly answered, “hopefully I’ll get a job.” They acted shocked that you hadn’t started applying yet. This week, it begins. You apply to at least ten places, sure that you’ll get one. You even apply for one in NYC, just to spice things up.
23) Think of finally confronting your roommate: As you opened the door to your apartment coming back from spring break, your happy home was in chaos. Wine bottles, a large box, two plates with food on them, trash, greasy frying pans, dirt on the floor, and a smell that smells like bad dumpster haunt the grounds you once called your own.
You send out a passive aggressive text, prepare a speech for next time you see them, and ultimately crack under pressure and say hey to them next time they come home. Next time, next time they destroy the apartment you will say something.
22) Realize you’ve never seen Beautiful Eagle Creek: One night, the ghost of Erk Russell wakes you up with a quiet, still voice asking “whose house?” “Our house!” you say, waking up immediately. Erk the Ghost tells you that you are not True Blue. You argue, explaining that you’ve been to every home game and know what GATA stands for. He tells you that you’ve never made the pilgrimage to Beautiful Eagle Creek. You ask for forgiveness and do at least six “Hail Freedoms.”
The next day, Erk the Ghost leads you across campus on the pilgrimage. Once you arrive, you look disgusted as you realize that Beautiful Eagle Creek is actually just a poorly-kept canal with dirty water in it. “What the hell?” you ask Erk. “Isn’t it beautiful?” he answers. “It’s literally a ditch,” you say, “I wouldn’t even put my feet in that.” Erk looks at you with the same expression he wears on his statue. “Well champ, you’re not putting your feet in it… You’re drinking it.”
This article is satirical.