Briefs
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Graduation “To Do” List: Part 5

Weeks: 3
Days: 24
Hours: 576

15) Put in your two weeks’ notice.
So you’ve decided that, since you’re moving the week after graduation because you will have a job by then (hopefully), you might as well put in your two weeks’ notice at your job. Why work the week of graduation? That week is for finals and alcohol poisoning.
You get to your job and walk into the office. You explain to your boss (who is two years younger than you) that you’re quitting. They smile that classic minimum-wage-tycoon smile and shake their head no. “I own you, you can’t quit” they say. They pull out a big black book and show you that your name is written in blood. You explain that you have to graduate. “Oh, that reminds me,” says your manager, “you’re scheduled to work on graduation day. You can make it, right?” You say no, explaining (again) that you have to graduate. They fire you.

14) One last library nap.
All of this confrontation makes you sleepy, so you start heading home. Suddenly, you remember those mid-day naps you used to take in the library. You decide to go there for one last snooze-party. Once you’re on the third floor, you go to your old corner only to find a tarp draped over it.
You creep up, slowly, and see a dazed and disheveled freshman lying there. You clear your throat and the freshman begins to act like a deranged dog. You scream, and run away. You bump into your old lab partner in the stairs, they ask what’s wrong. You explain what you just saw. “Oh, yeah that’s the new QEP,” they say. “It’s good for them.

13) Starbucks on campus.
Who needs a nap? You head to Starbucks. This is your last on-campus Starbs run since you lost your job. You excitedly stand in line, thinking about how you’re going to order that secret menu thing you read about in the Reflector. You finally get up to the counter. “I would like a secret menu liquid cocaine,” you say. The Starbucks barista looks at you for a moment, pulls out their cell-phone, and tells Statesboro PD that there is someone trying to buy drugs. You run away.

This article is satirical, and we encourage readers to please drink responsibly.

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By Matt Sowell

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