21) Hear back from that job you applied for:
As you refresh your email for the 50th time in one day, a sea of rejection letters floods you. Literally every job you’ve applied for in the last three months has rejected you all at once. “Need more experience,” “need a Master’s Degree,” “please try again in a few years,” “go live in a box” are all on repeat. In the distance, standing tall and ominous, you see a figure. It’s wearing a suit and has no face, it’s like Slender Man but not, for copyright reasons. Your stomach drops. Its student debt, and it’s starting to follow you.
20) Chick-fil-A emotional support:
You squeeze your eyes shut and a chilling “six months left to live, moving back in with parents” is whispered in your ear. When you open your eyes, you decide a milkshake is just what you need to make this day better. You make your way back to Russel Union. You literally can’t wait to taste the chocolaty goodness that you’re about to experience. Hell, you may even get some nuggets. Treat yo’ self is a weekly thing these days.
You enter the Union and see a crowd, shoulder to shoulder, seeping out of the Chick-fil-A nook. You get in line, trying to stay hopeful. Behind you, a redheaded sorority girl asks you why you broke the line in front of her. It’s the same girl who yelled at me three years ago. I haven’t forgotten you. I hope you read this.
19) Cry. A lot:
Right there, in front of God and everyone, you totally lose it. Senior year isn’t the care-free fun semester you were expecting. In fact, it kind of sucks. In 39 days, everything you’ve known for four years is going to be changed forever. No more mid-day naps, no more getting away with being an alcoholic, no empty promises of a new food joint on campus, it’s all gone. You cry because you really don’t have it together as well as you should, and that’s okay. A lot can happen in five weeks.
This article is satirical.